Nice work if you can get it

Again it's me, stating for the moral guardians of the interweblogging world, THIS IS A SPONSORED POST.

For the few out there that didn't read last week’s post (who am I kidding), those crazy but generous folks over at ASUS have given me one of their new Eee Pad Transformer Tablets to review and let you know how I'm using it in my normal day to day life.  Well to misquote a line from The Fast Show, 'This week I have been mostly using it in the garden.'

We are having one of those glorious early summers in London, and we are all desperately trying to ignore the fact that whilst we are having nice weather now, it does means that July and August are going to be as wet, insipid and dull as a wet T-Shirt contest in an OAP's home.

Be that as it may, we English know how to make hay while the sun shines, so me and the Tablet have set up camp in the garden and have been working from there.  Last year I had to stay chained to my PC to work, infrequently rushing outside to catch some rays like Joan Collins catches husbands (and rays.)

This year is going to be so gloriously better, and I am glad the Chancellor has increased the VAT to 20% as Vodka and Tonic is my summer drink of choice, and an increase of them by 20% is more than welcome.

The Polaris Office software the Tablet comes preloaded with is a joy to work with, in fact my last three articles have been written exclusively on it, and they have been easy to send to my home PC or to upload to the MyCloud facility that also came pre-installed.  It has everything I need to access my work email, and the tools I need to create the pieces of art I call email campaigns. 

All that's left to me is to somehow explain my new tan to my Boss when I next have to make a Head Office visit.  I am currently using the Tablet to Google 'unfortunate discolouration', but all it has come up with so far is WAGS and Essex, neither of which I think my boss will find as an acceptable explanation.

I'm not taking the pee though - I know that the Tablet has the ability to store all my chosen music in MyCloud, so that I can whistle, hum and strangle lyrics whilst I work, but I am resisting that temptation in fairness to my office-trapped colleagues.  Although one of them just sent round a 'joke' email at my expense, so I may well re-evaluate that principle in time for the next blog.

I promised you, my avid and rabid readers, some technical details about the Tablet, so here they are.

• NVIDIA® Tegra™ 2 1.0GHz dual-core CPU for excellent multitasking & 1080p video playback
• Android 3.0 Honeycomb O.S. with Adobe® Flash® 10.2 support
• Full QWERTY keyboard, touchpad input with Polaris® Office® for mobile productivity
• 16 hours long battery life for all day computing with docking station
• Brilliant IPS panel with ultra-wide 178⁰ viewing angle made from scratch resistant and super tough glass
• One year of Unlimited ASUS WebStorage, two USB ports, SD and Micro SD card readers for easy sharing & storage expendability
• 3D stereo with max bass response with SRS premium sound

I have only a vague understanding of what the majority of that lot means, but what I do know is this:

1  I can use it to work in the garden (important)

2  My work colleagues are stuck in a smelly office (oh dear)

3  I'm not (A loud Nelson from The Simpsons Ha Ha)

4  As a result of the Tablet, George Hamilton is going to be coming to me for tanning tips.

Until next week my friends, I bid you Adieu, and don't forget, use sunscreen.

http://techinstyle.tv/blogs/the-eee-pad-transformer-vs-british-summer/

A not so bitter pill to swallow

OK, let’s get this straight from the start.  THIS IS A SPONSORED POST, woe betides me to fall foul of any moral guidelines or obligations.

Those crazy folk at ASUS emailed me and asked if I would to try out their new Eee Pad Transformer and then write about it, good or bad.  I will admit to weighing up the pros and cons of accepting such a task, and 3 nanoseconds later decided I would.

I will also admit that I thought nothing would come of it, and put the proposal to the back of my mind.  I mean who in their right mind would give little old me a brand new Tablet and docking station?  In fact when I told my Mum I was about to be given a free Tablet, she presumed I had joined another Hay fever clinical trial.  To my shame I agreed I had rather than try to explain what a tablet was.

Anyway, this afternoon I returned from a shopping trip, via the pub, all ready to do some gardening, some BBQing, and maybe even playing with the kids if I got bored.  All plans were put on hold when I saw the package my eldest had signed for, could it be, surely not.  It was.  THE Tablet had arrived.

I will freely admit that I am a big kid at heart, and I was more than excited as I tried not to rip the package apart like Henry VIII on his wedding night.  Showing a sense of patience I didn’t know I possessed, I carefully removed my new toy and turned it on. 

I know I'm in danger of sounding quite fawning now, but I was truly impressed with my initial viewing.  The 10" screen was bright and sharp, it sounded good, and I even managed to sync it with my broadband within a couple of minutes, a miracle within itself.

I started to explore the apps when a rather unsubtle nudge in the ribs reminded me that I had a BBQ to sort out.  Feeling like a kid who had to write a thank you card before his Christmas pressie was out of the box, I reluctantly retreated to the garden and fired up the…well the fire.  Eventually food was cooked, dropped, brushed off and distributed - leaving me to make my excuses and pick up where I had left off.

Having had no real experience with Tablets, I was quite surprised about how light and thin it was.  Although the kids were surprised at how big my new 'phone' was and were wondering how I was going to fit it in my pocket.  I did feel a little bit like Gulliver in the land of Brobdingnag, so I added a miniature bottle of Jack Daniels to the table just to really mess with their minds.

Once I had finished messing around and exploring I decided to attach the tablet to its docking station and keypad.  I do love touch screens, but I am still enough of a PC boy to want to write anything substantial on a keyboard.  This seemed like the best of both worlds to me, and I happily sat in the garden and wrote the words you've just read (or pretended to if you're family and just humouring me.)

I could see this was going to change my summer.  Normally I am chained to the PC, due to work demands, but as long as I remembered to wash the suntan lotion of my hands first, I can see this becoming my work place of choice.  Tea breaks are about to be changed, Pimms o'clock anyone?

Just to make sure, I synced the tablet to my home PC, and like witchcraft, my PC's homepage appeared on the screen.  I neglected to mention this to my Wife, and later on when she had logged onto Facebook, I had plenty of fun updating her status in front of her eyes.  According to her status, I am now absolved of any future housework and indeed, men are fully deserving of being waited on hand and foot.

All shenanigans aside, I have been impressed by everything I have seen so far, so I decided that I would put it to the travel test the next day.

The Next Day

It's the day of the London Marathon and we've decided to take the kids up to Tower Bridge to watch it.  As an ex Marathonian, the Mrs always makes us go and watch, and to be fair, it's always a good day out.  The trick is to keep the kids occupied though, so I downloaded some free games from the app store (which incidentally downloaded a lot faster than they do on my PC.)  I removed the tablet from the docking keyboard, another idiot proof process, and put it in its handy travel case.

The tube was quite busy, and the games kept the kids amused for the journey, so far so good.

Tower Bridge was mobbed, the sun was out, and there was a carnival atmosphere in the air.  Well there was on our side of the barriers anyway, the runners were at the half way stage and had long since lost their smiles.  The wife looks back on her marathon with a fondness that belies the obvious pain she went through at the time.  Maybe it's like childbirth, really painful at the time but a pain quickly forgotten?  Either or, it's not something I see myself doing anytime soon.  I won't even run for a bus, I just calmly pull out my phone and call for a cab.  The looks I get from people when I get picked up from a Bus Stop by a mini-cab are priceless.  I took a few pics using the tablet, but I think it captured the pain on their faces too well, so I stopped.

We watched until the throng of runners started to thin out and then went in search of a pub.  Watching people run is thirsty work you know.  From our pleasant seat outside the pub, we basked in the sun and watched the last of the runners (well walkers really) pass.  The kids had moved on from Angry Birds to Bubble Pop, and I thanked the lord for a long battery time - heaven help any device that runs out of juice before my kids get bored with it.

The clear up crews started to arrive and were making so much racket we decided to make our exit.  The barriers had started to come down and the streets were deserted, despite it being central London and only 4pm.  Obviously everyone had moved onto to another spot further down the route, all the better to really witness the agonies of those final few miles.  It did mean though that we got to walk across Tower Bridge in the middle of the road, in the middle of the day.  It was quite an eerie experience, I felt like on was on the set of 28 Days later.

I whipped the tablet out and started to take some pics for posterity (and accidentally one of a Policewoman’s posterior which she made me delete) and Kaede, happy at being allowed to play in the road for a change, duly obliged in posing for some pictures.  All in all it was a good day out and one certainly enhanced (made easier) by the new tablet.

 

This is the first of a few articles I'll be writing about the new ASUS Eee Pad, and I promise that by the time I write the next one I will be a bit more tech savvy and have some spec details that will make sense to someone other than this technology caveman.  

Happy Birthday Kaede

Happy Birthday Kaede, six today, who’d of thunk we’d make it this far? Only yesterday I took you out of the disapproving nurses arms and put you in an Arsenal baby grow. Your face was so battered from all the trauma of getting you out, that you looked like a footy hooligan already. You started life unconventionally and have stubbornly stayed that way ever since.


I know we didn’t help by landing you with an unusual moniker, but count yourself lucky it was Kaede and not Yukihana, which I also pitched, as it was snowing when you were born and it means ‘snow fairy’. Good sense and maternal pressure won through though, and Kaede it stayed.

You have been a lifelong believer in running before you can walk, which once resulted in you falling over and chipping your front tooth, the one we had so lovingly grown for so long. That same tooth fell out of its own accord last month, so maybe Mummy will let you start smiling in photos again.

You invented the ‘wiggle-bum’ dance and often entertain us with it, although it sometimes stops passersby in their tracks. After all, who expects to see a full moon during the day? Your Irish dancing is also a sight to behold, more akin to a baby giraffe learning to walk than anything Irish though. Your version of the Nutcracker Suite is an eye watering affair, especially when you jump onto my lap.

Your first word was Pub, something that brings equal shame and pride to the family, but then your Mum and I rarely agree on anything anyway. I considered it a statement of intent on your part, whereas she thinks it was the answer to “Where’s your Dad?”

I see a culinary future for you. Determined to make a cheese-free pizza for your dairy-averting Father, you invented the Spaghetti Bolognaise Pizza. A plain base, covered in bolognaise sauce and topped with cooked pasta and basil leaves. Hard to hold, but tasty to eat, it deserved the honourable mention it received in the Pizza Express competition.

But whatever you decide to do in the future just remember the following:

1. All boys are horrible and really do smell as bad as they look.

2. The eyes in the back of my head still work with long (or grey) hair

3. Try to make your Mum laugh more than you make her cry

4. Happy tears are OK though

5. Football isn’t just for boys, that goes for video games too

6. Continue to compare me to Homer Simpson, I won’t let you down that way

Happy Birthday Darling.

The Electronic Nanny

This morning I found myself having an argument with someone about the Scooby Doo theme tune and how it had changed over the years. I’m a member of the old school and obviously prefer the classic quality of the original. My combatant sagely promoted the opinion that the arrangement of music in the new series ‘Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated’ was far superior and catchy. They had a good point, but I’m not the greatest of losers, so I replied with a “Don’t argue with your father, you watch too much TV.”


I should really stop arguing with my five year old about kids TV, her knowledge surpasses mine, and I guess that’s partly my fault. I am quick to use the third parent, or ‘the electronic nanny’ as the faux posh refer to the television, whenever I need to get some work done. Hell, I use it if I want to get a moments peace, and I need a lot of peace right now.

I know traditional wisdom says that television should be used as a treat and that painting, drawing and reading should be the norm, and that opinion has value. Except that as a stay at home Dad I’m in a non traditional situation, so why can’t I use painting and drawing as a treat, and the TV as the norm? Because my Mum said so, apparently.

On a recent visit my Mum asked Kaede what she had done today and to my shame, this was her reply. “Well first of all we watched Scooby Doo on Boomerang. Then we switched to CNToo so we could watch Johnny Test. After that Tom and Jerry came on, and it was Dad’s favourite one, the one when all the balls hit Tom in the face. Then the Garfield Show came on but Dad thinks that sucks, so we turned over to Playhouse Disney, which is Nate’s favourite, and watched Mickey Mouse then Little Einsteins.”

Apparently this is too much TV, apparently the kids need better stimulation, and apparently I am still scared of my Mum because half term started this week and I’m restricting the amount of TV being watched.

Day One didn’t start too badly, we had a few tears and tantrums at first, but they soon calmed down. As the day wore on I did start to feel a little bit sorry for Nate. He was wandering around the house like he was being punished for something he couldn’t quite remember doing. It was almost as if he was revisiting all his previous crime scenes and trying to figure out which one was to blame. Was it the crayon on the kitchen wall, the half eaten jelly bean in the carpet, or the scissors and his latest self inflicted Noel Gallagher haircut?

The day passed without incident, and I will admit to being quite smug as I described our day to the Wife as we took the kids upstairs for bedtime. Smugness was soon running out of the house with his arse on fire when we saw the state of their bedrooms though. And the bathroom. And our bedroom. And all blue nail varnish on the hallway floor. And the same shade all over Nate’s toes.

There was no TV for me that night, as I spent the evening on my hands and knees trying to get the blue footprints out of the carpet. I thought about drinking the nail varnish remover to cheer me up, it smelt so nice and inviting, but the room had started spinning already so I called it a night.

Day Two started with subdued children. I think the shock of watching their Dad trying to pull his own hair out the previous evening, may be the reason. Although the way they were intently watching the microwave as my reheated cup of coffee went round and round, made me think that they may be going cold turkey. Watching them put two chairs in front of the tank that housed our two bearded dragons, then sitting there for an hour watching them, convinced me. At least there were no adverts on that show though, which meant no shouts of “Can I have that, and that, oh and that”, things were looking up.

I got them to do some drawing eventually, supplying a small copse worth of paper and a box of pens and pencils. Out of the 200 writing implements in the box, we managed to find seven that were either sharpened or full of ink, and Art 101 began. Kaede proudly showed me her first effort, a big black square with two sad faces next to it. Being a bit slow on the uptake, I asked her what the picture was. “It’s the broken television with me and Nate sitting next to it crying” was her reply, accompanied by the saddest face she could pull. This convinced me of two things. Firstly, I was an awful parent. Secondly, women don’t learn to become skilled manipulators, they are just born to it.

For the rest of the day I could be found playing the role of Referee in the world’s longest wrestling match. The kids had been sent to, and sat in, so many corners of the house that I’m fairly sure they could draw accurate architectural plans of the place.

I don’t normally drink on a Tuesday, well not publicly anyway, but that Tuesday my wife came home to a half empty (I used to be a half full person) bottle of Pinot Noir, and a not even starting to mellow husband.

On Day Three I managed to write this piece. Yep, I caved. As I write, a bizarrely costumed villain has just uttered the immortal line “I would have gotten away with it too, it if wasn't for you meddling kids.” The children are quiet other than the occasional shouted addition to their Christmas list, and all is good in the world.

* This article was originally published on www.dad.ie the site for Dad's that know, want to know, or forgot what they know.