Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Am I being unreasonble?

This week I set myself a task to find out what Mums talk and moan about. Now obviously I know what my wife talks and moans about, but as I find those subjects boring, I presumed you would too, so I had to look further afield for inspiration. There was no point listening to the other mothers at the school gate, as they all seem to turn mute whenever I am near. I secretly wonder if the government has pulled a master-stroke, and employed all these women to spy for MI5, as I don’t even know the names of half of them, let alone any decent gossip. Seriously, my wife has dropped Katy off 5 times this year, and yet when I tell a story about Daniels mum she replies “Susan, you mean, did you know she lives opposite our Dentist?”

Desperate times lead to desperate measures, so I ventured onto the Internet looking for Mum’s discussion boards. I decided to keep clear of the one my wife uses, as who wants to read how insensitive I was being the last time I did all the washing, ironing, and cleaning, and then wanted to sit down with a beer, God forbid. I had contemplated signing on as a Lady (would that make me an inter-tranny?), just to gee the conversations along, but found there was absolutely no need.

I hit pay-dirt quite quickly (which just proves I do listen sometimes), and found a “Mums on the net” site that my wife had previously mentioned, and seemed very popular. So I went to the topic boards and found the most staggering thing. What I thought would be the most popular topic, “Parenting”, had a whopping 14,572 posts. With subjects ranging from, ARE YOU THE KIND OF PARENT YOU WANT TO BE(65 posts), IS BEING ABLE TO COOK FROM SCRATCH A NECESSITY FOR A PARENT(49 posts), to my personal favourite CAN I PUT MY CHILD ON EBAY(11 posts?), it seemed to cover all the bases needed to be today’s perfect Mum.

I continued my search, and to my absolute astonishment found a subject more popular that “Parenting” on a “Mum’s parenting site”. I feel like teasing you for a bit, and not letting you know what all Mum’s seem to be talking about, but with the presumption that the majority of people reading this will be women, you obviously all know the answer anyway. “Am I being unreasonable?” is this year’s No. 1, straight in with 16,940 posts. That is almost 2,500 mothers moaning more about being unreasonable, than wondering if dropping a 4 year old on the head really does cause them to forget parts of the alphabet (42 posts).

I spent the next 3 hours reading these posts with a wide range of emotions and reactions, incredulous being the main one. TO WANT TO BUY UNISEX CLOTHES (19 POSTS) Why? TO NOT WANT MY KIDS TO GROW ANYMORE (17 posts) Have you entered them into a dwarf throwing competition then? TO WANT A NEW FRONT DOOR (8 posts) This is not the B&Q website! TO HATE MY BANK (16 posts) The equivalent of quite liking oxygen. TO THINK MY SON IS A SPOILT BRAT (71 posts) You’re right, he is, get off the computer and take his toys away.

I only managed to get through the first 6 of 85 pages so whilst I’m sure this list will change as I work my way through, here are my top 5 in reverse order.

5. TO FIND THIS USERNAME OFFENSIVE (275 posts) The user name in question was ANYF***ER, and in the replies that followed, I can honestly say, I have never ever seen so much swearing in print in my entire life. One person obviously decided to attempt to give this poor old prude a stroke, by inserting C**T or F**K in between every other word. Ladies, ladies.

4. TO TELL DS TO HIT THIS LITTLE BOY BACK (324 posts) Now if it was not for the fact I had to ring my wife and ask what DS meant (darling son FYI), I would have thought this post had been wrote by a Dad. I think the Mum in question had added half the chat room to the list by the time the discussion had finished.

3. DRUG USE – WHAT DO YOU FIND ACCEPTABLE (322 posts) I have always been of the opinion that if your child’s hands are too small to roll a joint, then they are probably too young to smoke it, call me old fashioned. Upon further reading I discovered they meant for the adults once the children had gone to bed. It seems Merlot is no longer the middle class Mum’s drug of choice.

2. NICK CAVE (266 posts) That is all it said, honestly. Further in, she explains that she heard a rumour that his wife was pregnant and could anyone living in Hove confirm it. The first 10 replies mocked her for being in the wrong section (I could not find the celebrity stalker section either, to be fair); the other 256 had a discussion about his moustache.

1. TO BE SECRETLY CHUFFED WHEN TEENAGE BOYS SHOUTED M.I.L.F. AT ME WHEN I WALKED BY(391) This woman was so pleased with herself, and received many congratulations from her fellow “I feel so fat” Mum’s. A few people needed the term explained to them (but as a newly discovered DH or OH, who am I to mock). All was nice and polite until a very straight talking Mum advised her that “I have a 15 year old son, and I can tell you they get turned on by anything, and often get an erection when the wind changes direction!” As I read this, I could feel the gust of a deflated ego, brush over my tear streaked cheek. I could not stop laughing for 10 minutes. I hear the resulting cat fight, is still spoken about in hushed voices.

At the start of this quest I expected to find out what our lovely wives and girlfriends really thought about us evil men folk, but what I found instead is so much more entertaining, and has replaced the latest Warren Ellis book as my bedtime reading material.

So, I guess my next quest will have to be… there anything you don’t talk about.

No comments: