Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Please Sir, can I have my ball back?

Dear Rupert Murdoch,
I know you are a busy man, what with trying to devise a plan for worldwide domination that James Bond would actually be interested in thwarting (eventually), but I think I may be of assistance.
Threatening to shock your customers to death by actually supplying them with the service they are paying for, is the way to go. I know it sounds so far-fetched that it could only be a film 20th Century Fox would produce, but if you check your back pockets I'm sure you will find the Fox Group back there somewhere.
I know your current plan includes controlling all the world's news outlets and visual media, but I have personal insider knowledge of a fatal flaw in your plans. Glen Beck aside, if you want people to believe your version of the news, then surely they have to be able to access it?
Let's take a random person, in a random place. I don't know, say me, for arguments sake. I live in a little village called London, in tiny old England. You own a few newspapers that are based here, 'The Sun' and 'The Times' are two of them, in case your memory needs jogging. I realise we are not as economically viable as countries like Zimbabwe and Ethiopia, but you invested here in the past, so presumably we still figure on your radar. Well in my case I am unable to access the Sky Broadband Service (don't you just hate oxy-morons, or do you just employ them?) you provide. Apparently it takes one month and six days for your company to move this 'service' from my old address, even though I have only moved 10 minutes down the road and not to Rwanda.
Sorry to digress, but what's with the 37 days anyway, why not 36 or 38? Is it that 37 is the highest prime number you could think of, and that you are subliminally suggesting a new book to Dan Brown?
Anyway, back to my point. Despite my numerous phone calls to your third world call centres in India and Scotland, and the effort involved in trying to understand their regional dialects, I am still unable to view your online news bias news feed. I must admit though, I have managed to set up a system that has enabled me to absorb your Internet news effluence. I got hold of the longest piece of string I could find, and attatched a tin-can to each end. My kindly new neighbour across the road now updates me with all the breaking news and gossip from www.sky.com (well he does when he remembers to pull the string tight enough and shout.)
I can now truly say I am online, well onwashingline actually. And before you think of stealing my ingenious idea, I have patented the concept of having the world's first Internet provider that can also get your washing dry and fresh smelling.
You have now left me with no option but to propose a deal that may be to your liking. You provide me with the ability to tweet with my friends, and not have to write my blog on a piece of paper like I am doing now (seriously, you should see the ink stains on my fingers, how Shakespeare coped I will never know). In return, I promise to continue to watch The Simpsons and say "Doh" every time I do something wrong, which is more times than you could imagine.
I know you are a canny Businessman, and I truly believe you will see the sense of this deal.
Yours un-electronically

@goonerjamie


Thoughtishouldaddsomerandomwordsandnumb3r5atthebottomtomakeitlooklikeanemailiwroteforyou@14.25onthe05.01.2010fromjollyoldblighty.http://helpmesurfagainplease

11 comments:

The Dotterel said...

Maybe that's the plan for world domination... have everyone sign up to the News International empire then shut the lot down. You're just the guinea-pig!

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

No wonder we haven't heard from you lately. Where did you have to go to type up your post? Did you zip-wire across to your neighbours!!?
Hope you feel better after that fantastic rant!

Cate P said...

If Rupert doesn't answer you, that would be very un-Australian of him, just like his accent.
Another hilarious take on what must be a frustrating time for you, love the tins and string!
Bravo hon :)

Heather said...

did you have to dictate this over your washingline phone to the neighbour to type up for you?

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

May Rupert, the almighty, the one who controls us all, listen to you. Alternatively you can start the revolution...

Good to have you back, may you be back full time soon.

Hot Cross Mum said...

What a fantastic rant! Rapturous applause from the Emerald Isle and here's to plenty more of the same in 2010 (minus the annoyance of crap technology of course!)

Wendy Morrell (aka Quillfeather). said...

Copyright that washingline telecommunication gadget of yours. Might give it a try myself actually - being on dial-up and all. I've just pulled out great chunks of my hair whilst waiting for this page to load up.

I've got a few balls of string and a pile of grubby tin cans. Perhaps a few baked beans will add to the reception?

If I happen upon Murdock, I'll give him a swift kick for you.

Most amusing post :)

Diana (Diane) Maria said...

Happy New Year!

Your letter is 'fun'damental.

Of course his plan is "worldwide domination". Don't be surprised when the cost of string and tin cans increases - stock up now.

Write On!

niftyknits said...

rofl ;-)

Angela Montague said...

Bless! Have missed you on Twitter.

Geriatric Mummy said...

How annoying. We had same issue with bt it took them six weeks. Good to have you back and hope to have you back full time soon. Missed my regular belly laugh x