Monday, June 28, 2010

Ignorance isn't bliss

Today I unexpectedly found out why the Mum’s at the school look at me like I was an exhibit in a zoo. I did at first just presume that the majority of them had been dabbling in a bit of Botox treatment, but it has become all too apparent that it is actually their distaste for me that causes the expression, or lack thereof.

After 18 months they have just about got their heads around the concept of a stay at home Dad, so it’s not that. I’m no longer on my own in that respect anyway, there is another part time SAHD, a fine Mediterranean fellow. Although I’m not sure being in a constant between jobs flux counts, but in the cause of the brotherhood I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Every week I ask him with a chuckle, if he has seen the perfect Italian job yet, every week a nonplussed shake of the head.

Nope, I think it is some of the things that I say that leaves them somewhat bewildered.

I was having a conversation (and by conversation I mean I was being allowed to stand close enough to listen without being considered an eavesdropper but obviously not contributing) when one of the Mums happened to mention that she had been rushing around like a ‘blue arsed fly’ all morning. With that, a voice I did not recognise asked “Why do they call it a blue arsed fly?” I did not recognise the voice because it was mine, and it is seldom heard in the playground other than in its shouty variety when I have to holler at my feral children.

The stunned silence from the Mums emboldened me to continue. “Why not a red arsed fly, is it blue because it’s cold and needs to warm up? Or why not a brown arsed fly? It spends most of its time sitting in crap, so brown would make more sense.”

More silence. Eventually Wasp Mother replied “I rather think Google is the place for that kind of ponderment, rather than in front of impressionable five year olds.” With that she grabbed Jemima, Honey-Blossom and Pig-Tails, and flounced off. I had always thought that Wasp was an acronym for White Anglo Saxon Person, but in her case it’s because, like a wasp, she’s always buzzing around sticking her nose in and is of no discernable use to anyone.

It did make me wonder about my own ignorance though. I mean, I have only just got my head around the concept that when it is winter here, it is summer in the southern hemispheres, and vice-versa. The idea of Christmas on the beach is as foreign to me as the idea of drinkable beer is to an Australian. The thing that really clogs my brain up though, is what about the countries on the northern/southern hemisphere border. If we are in winter and Australia is in summer, does that mean the inbetweenies are in a permanent spring/autumn weather zone? Is there a band of countries around the globe where it is permanently raining, and if so, why do we still have a hosepipe ban?

I would like to think that the reason these thoughts blast around my noggin is because I spend the day without adult conversation. Or possibly because of the repetitive chores my day is full of, all requiring no thought, therefore leaving the brain to occupy itself with any old nonsense. I can literally spend hours, with what can only be described as a bemused confused look, looking at the PC wondering why if you Google Google you get 2120 million results. You cannot seriously tell me that 2,119,999,999 other people were just as bored as me can you?

I rage at the TV sometimes as well. I was watching a Mickey Mouse film the other day (with my son of course) when Minnie Mouse, playing the part of princess, announces that she has fallen in love with Mickey, and it is so perfect because “We even have the same surname.” I mean come on, seriously, what are the odds? Two mice both having the same surname of Mouse, who’d of thought? My youngest tends to back away from me when I get like this, and as well he might, he never has the answers anyway.

I don’t understand how my 16 year old daughter (I know, I don’t look old enough, thanks) can get up at noon, have breakfast at 1, lunch at 4, and still moan when there’s no dessert after her dinner at 6. Since when did Facebook burn off calories? Does rearranging her iTunes library really equate to a five mile bike ride? Is sarcasm this generations exercise? I need the science explained to me.

I consider myself a fairly educated and worldly wise type of fellow, but can somebody please tell me why, come the end of the day, my voice is so high pitched and shrill that only dogs respond to it? A fact I know to be true because the kids apparently can’t hear my umpteenth request to justbloodybehaveandstopthrowingyourfoodattheTVthebookcaseandeachother.

It’s not that I’m an illiterate dummy, I do know some answers, but they are mainly of the ‘because I said so’, ‘because you’re Mum said so’, and ‘because cats don’t like microwaves’ variety. I just don’t know where I am anymore. I’m ignorant of all the things I’m ignorant about, I don’t know what I used to know, and I question the unanswerable. So my final question is, if I’m this ignorant, where’s all my bliss?

14 comments:

Cate P said...

I must be ignorant too, bliss has escaped me. When you find yours, can you let me know what cupboard it was in and I'll look there too?
Funny as always.
PS. Bloody wasps are everywhere.

vegemitevix said...

Bliss aint all it's cracked up to be mate. Neither's ignorance! Funny thing though I grew up in Fiji which is near the middle bit of the earth exactly in the inbetweeny-bits between the hemispheres. They don't have seasons there. It's always hot. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes not. Yup. It's that simple.

Russ said...

So, you left me hanging! What is a blue arsed fly?

Oh, and thanks for not throwing the US under the bus from crappy beer. (Yea, there is plenty there though.)

Diana (Diane) Maria said...

I've always found it curious that Mickey and Minnie share the same initials. She should've been named Veronica - but that's just me.

P.S.
Love the new look!

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

My mother used to say I had hollow legs as a teenager, as if somehow all the rubbish I ate just filled up gaps between the bones. My teen seems to have the same condition: skinny as a whippet yet bone idle.

The fly....maybe it's "blew-arsed fly" indicating it is moving at fast speed due to prevailing strong wind. There's a thought.

susie @newdaynewlesson said...

Sounds like you were trying to fit it with some pretty obnoxious mothers.

Hope they come to realize that you are funny not crazy.

Heather said...

well what a *insert really offensive word of your choosing here* that woman was.

clearly one of those that think they're important because *insert pointless reason here*

Silly cow. so, whilst googling google, did you perchance find out why it's a blue arsed fly? i thought it was because they were referring to bluebottles cause they're always buzzing around the place.

Do you know, i've just realised we don't have bluebottles in Lapland. Huh. Well, there you go.

Heather said...

well what a *insert really offensive word of your choosing here* that woman was.

clearly one of those that think they're important because *insert pointless reason here*

Silly cow. so, whilst googling google, did you perchance find out why it's a blue arsed fly? i thought it was because they were referring to bluebottles cause they're always buzzing around the place.

Do you know, i've just realised we don't have bluebottles in Lapland. Huh. Well, there you go.

westendmum said...

Why are they called blue bottles?
WEM xx

Humdrum Mum said...

I think you tidied up your bliss when you were vacuuming the other day.

I have found that the dads I see at swimming etc are much friendlier than the mums, so I'd speak to you.

HM

Donna said...

Your bliss got rid of the horrid woman on the playground! Good for you! Others have probably been wanting to say something to her as well but Not had the nerve! Sometimes it Just takes a Man to sort things out!!
Fun post!
hughugs

goonerjamie said...

Cate - I heard it was in the cupboard under the stairs.
Vegemitevix - Sounds like my kinda simple.
Russ/Trish/Heather/WEM - Think it may be refering to a blue bottle, boring I know.
Diane - Thanks, and I used to know a Veronica Mouse, no it was Moose, close though.
Suzie - I think I may be both.
Humdrum - I shall go empty out the bag.
Donna - We have our uses.

Spencer Park said...

I get the exact same treatment! Which is made all the worse by the fact the Tom Cruise look a like father gets so much attention!

PhotoPuddle said...

Ha ha. Great post! My head is always filled with such random things! I'm always googling something. At the moment I am trying to find out what Miss Rabbit from Peppa Pig looks like in real life. Oh dear, I'm sad!