Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Invention of Sitting

This morning I found myself deep in thought pondering life, the universe and why people leave one sheet of toilet paper on the roll. I was sitting (there may also be a h in that) in my laboratory, or what some people may call the lavatory. It has fast become the place where I do most of my thinking, where the most profound thoughts hit me and where I invent most of my inventions. You may think I’m talking shit (thought I would get that one in before you), but it’s true. This may well be because I do spend an awful amount of time in there, so much time that my Wife has started to insist that I go see the Doctor to get my Irritable Bowel Syndrome looked into. I hope she doesn’t mean literally, what a crappy job that must be.


I can assure you there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just the only quiet place in the house I can hide. Plus it has a lock so that even if I am found I can still keep them all out. I used to hide in the shed but now winter’s approaching it’s getting a bit cold out there. Is it sad, or plain common sense, that I often pretend to be constipated just to avoid my kids for half an hour? It’s not that I hate them or anything, but it’s a guilt free place to grab a break from them. You’re not avoiding them, you’re just combining a toilet break with some much needed peace and quiet.

Whatever the reasons I’m in there, I still maintain it’s the best place to think. Over the past year I have had numerous ideas, all ripe for invention. All I need now is to find someone with bundles of cash and the same warped sense of reasoning as me. In the hope that one of you is such a person, I share these with you now. Beware, my lawyers are watching. I don’t mean they’re watching me on the toilet, I mean, ahh you know what I mean, stop being so pedantic, just don’t nick my ideas or I’ll send my kids round.

Teflon coated toilets – Seriously, it’s a no-brainer. No more scrubbing brushes, no more nasty stains, no more toilets left full of bleach ready to splash up at you and give your nether regions hi-lights when you forget. I’ve never really understood why toilets are white anyway? Whoever made that decision has neither cleaned one, or had kids. Black would have been a far better choice, if not as obvious as brown. Teflon is as cheap as chips nowadays, and who wouldn’t pay an extra £10 not to have to look at, or clean skids again?

Half width toilet roll - This is my solution for saving the rain forests and the planet. Let’s be honest, you really don’t need all that width, you only use the bit in the middle anyway, the rest is wasted. You also have the added bonus that by buying this product you are telling the world that not only do you care about the planet, but you also have a small bum.

Foot Bidet - A slightly smaller version of your traditional bidet that is sunk into the floor at the foot of the toilet. The deluxe version could also fit one of those foot massagers you bought your Wife for Christmas ’06, but has only been ungratefully used once. This way you can wash your feet whilst sitting on the toilet, not only multi-tasking, but ensuring a cheese free odour for the whole house. It’s what most people use bidets for anyway so why not put them in an easier position?

Package literature - I don’t know if you are like me, but I have to be reading something when I’m sitting on the throne. I do tend to keep a book in there to while away the time, but on occasion I find myself with nothing to read but the ingredients of the toothpaste. There is only so many times you can try to remember the spelling of monofluorophosphate, plus there’s nobody else in there to test you, talk about the worst spelling bee ever. So my idea is to put short episodes of a book on the packaging. Episode 1 could be on the toothpaste, episode 2 on the mouthwash and the title on the floss. Think of the brand loyalty it would create. Who cares that the mouthwash makes you smell like a wino if by using it you get to find out who killed whom with what?

I only need one of these ideas to pay off and I can not only justify the last year I have spent on the toilet, but also the flat screen TV I’m thinking of installing in there. That means I will also have to invent a bum cushion for those long films, I mean bouts of Delhi-belly. See I told you I get all my best ideas when I’m in here. Now if you will excuse me, I have to flush.

22 comments:

Rebecca Condron said...

Wow! I wish I could hide from my daughter in the loo: she follows me in and asks me (everytime!) if I'm having a wee or a poo, loudly so the neighbours can hear.

That we only use the bit in the middle is inspired :0)

Thanks, once again, for making me laugh x

Dave Bartlett said...

Teflon coated toilets - with you all the way on that one James. But are you willing to stand up on Dragon's Den on the telly, to explain the advantages?

Half width toilet roll - Hmmm, it isn't just about the amount you use though is it? the rest forms a kind of barrier, a shield. (The same reason why oven gloves are so large) If you've ever used that crappy (no pun intended) three-quarter width stuff in public loos, you'll realise you'll use lots more just to provide the necessary volume. Width is important. (and anyway, what about all the people who have big bums?)

Foot bidet - You'd have to make sure it could be avoided as easily as it could be used, because it would be a little embarrassing telling guests at your home that they need to take off their shoes and socks if they intend to take a dump.

Package literature - I can see problems with this one mate. Imagine your annoyance if you're not likely to reach the end of a story because you haven't washed your hair today, so haven't seen the shampoo episode, then your bloody missus has gone and bought some new toothpaste that tells you whodunnit? Best just to hang up a fully equipped kindle next to the toilet bowl I reckon.

Being Me said...

Yeah. Imagine that. As if being a bowel doctor wasn't enough, sometimes you have to cope with irate ones. Irritable. Whatevs.

Somehow, a brown-teflon-coated loo bowl doesn't appeal to me.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

We have a little cupboard of books next to our loo - quiz books, joke books such as The Complete Book of Farting, books of amazing facts etc. Our loo time is so educational!

My hubby, being a doctor, often has to look up people's bums. He tells me there's nothing quite so disconcerting as seeing something coming towards him.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Incredible! I love to think on the toilet and often realise I have written a blog post on there. I know every little bit of bathroom lino and just love the tranquility that sitting on the loo often brings. Unfortunately, we don't have a lock on the door which means that if I'm in there during a time Amy is home, I usually get interrupted.

Great post. CJ xx

Russ said...

I like the idea of Teflon coating.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

OOh overshare from Trish...

I'm down with the teflon coated loo, although I do think my arse is too big for the half width bog roll.

The Dotterel said...

You're commissioned Jamie... I want to publish a book on packaging. Imagine the appeal! A history of the toothpaste tube; bleach bottles for beginners; flash is for fairies... oh, hang on. That's not what you had in mind is it?

Wendy aka Quillfeather said...

A wee gem of a post, Jamie.

May you spend many more hours sitting upon your throne pondering life and dreaming up splendid innovations ...

Cate P said...

Promise I won't bog down your comments section with crappy jokes, I'm too pooped.
I still hide in the toilet from my daughter and as you know, she's 15. It never ends.
Love the way your mind works J, hilarious as always.

bettyl said...

I think you might be spending too much time in there. But, then when the creative juices start to flow (no pun intended) then you just have to go with it!

Cormac McCann said...

There are a few volumes of a book called "passing time on the loo", well worth picking up and leaving on the windowsil if you want to get a quiet 1/2 hr away from the kids.

Curvaceous Queen said...

Some of those ideas definitely have merit but what I really want to know is how the hell you get to go to the toilet on your own??? Outstanding!!

Heather said...

or perhaps have the book printed on the back of the toilet paper - you'd have to keep your own roll separate mind, wouldn't want someone wiping their arse on a key plot twist...

Tara said...

You get to spend quiet time on the toilet? How the sam heck did you manage that? I haven't been able to go to the toilet alone for the past 8 years. Even had to suffer one of the kids sat on my lap at times.
Jealous

Sheena Ignatia said...

Am actually working on a "Bog Book".
Have to agree with Dave about the half width toilet roll!

@poorparenting said...

Just been pointed at your blog from BMB and already loving it!

My hubby does all his thinking in the shower. He has all his best and some of his very worst ideas in there including his genius idea for space saving when we lived in a smaller house which was to plumb the washer and dryer in under the bath!

SereneBabe said...

You're totally right... I did appreciate this. :-) I'm also one of those, by the way, who hasn't yet had the joy of escaping into the bathroom (that's what we #daftamericans call it, as you know) by myself. 18 month old won't have it.

So glad you're blogging more (it is more lately, isn't it?).

Anonymous said...

great post thanks

Tilly said...

I'd like a teflon coated loo please. Did you know that you can now get an anti-bacterial loo seat. Hubby just got one. Developed in Japan I think. Better google your teflon loo, I'll bet someone in Japan is already selling one!
Check this stuff out!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Clorox-Automatic-Cleaner-Surface-Protector/dp/B000GCOKOO

Morag said...

ALL houseparents hide on the toilet from offspring. Though whether they lock the door on them or not depends on how hard hearted they are (me, I'm a "use the lock" kind of woman).

Interesting ideas all, though I have to say that if I buy thin toilet paper by mistake, I just use more of it each time, folded over. And of course, silly commenters, just because someone has a big bum doesn't mean they also have a big bumhole!!!

Tropical Mum said...

Yup, a teflon-coated toilet would do the trick. Thanks for putting me on to this. I hope you get the backing so that we can all enjoy not cleaning one someday.

I enjoyed reading the comments almost as much as I enjoyed reading this post!