The Wedding Tweeter

I’ve started my own business, I’ve found a gap in the market and I’ve dived in like a Messerschmitt on speed. I have become the World’s first Wedding Tweeter, or should that be Twedding Tweeter? Why do the inhabitants of Twitter world insist on putting a ‘tw’ in front of words to make them twitterfied? I mean we are a persecuted bunch as it is, all our non tweeting friends think we’re stupid or narcissistic anyway. They don’t understand Twitter, so let’s not make it worse tweople.

Anyway, my concept is that with so many people belong to social networking sites now, be it facebook, twitter or BLAH BLAH (ask your kids), they actually start to consider their on-line friends to be real friends. Not real enough to waste a wedding invite on obviously, especially at £110 per head and rising, but real enough to want to share their special day with.

This is where I come in. For a small fee plus a free bar at the reception, I will provide the following services.

1. Set up a Twitter account for the lovely couple, i.e. @DesperateAndRichGetMarried. They can now distribute this account amongst their friends, and add worrying about their follower count to the list of things keeping them awake at night. This list includes hoping Uncle Malcolm hasn’t fallen off the wagon again, assigning an usher to steal his drinks if he has, and wondering is the missionary the traditional wedding night position or would the reverse cowgirl be OK?

2. I will then use your account to keep all your followers up to date with the proceedings. This would look a bit like the following (excerpts taken from @BaldingAndFlabbyGetMarried).

• The @groom is looking nervous. Not sure what he is regretting more, having the stag night last night or the pink tie.
• Just spotted @Bestman being sick in the font. Hope nobody is being baptised tomorrow.
• Nice save, @Usher1 has found and confiscated @UncleMalcolm’s hip flask.
• Sneaky @UncleMalcolm has a sock flask, this won’t end well.
• The @GroomsFather and @GroomsFathersNewGirlfriend are arguing with @GroomsMother and @GroomsMothersToyboy over the seating arrangements.
• Compromise found. @GroomsFather and @GroomsMother on front row, @GroomsFathersNewGirlfriend and @GroomsMothersToyboy on row 2.
• Oh dear, the @Vicar is getting impatient now, @Groom checks watch again, @Bestman makes a phone call to bookie
• Action at the back of the church, @Bride has arrived, report on dress to follow.
• Dress is a beautiful flowing white number, unfortunately it looks like the number 8.
• On the positive side, at least she has managed to fit in it, looks like the ‘being sick for a week’ diet has worked.
• RT @BitchyUninvitedWorkColleague Her dress looks like it contains a bag of ferrets fighting to escape
• RT @JealousExBoyfriend White, are you having a laugh, ask @Usher2 about the time that we (the following has been edited in the name of good taste)
• Preliminaries under way, hymns, blah blah, why are these things so long, just cut to the chase @Vicar.
• Really should have used the toilet before I came in.
• Really shouldn’t have tweeted that.
• A nervous silence as @Vicar asks is there any reason that they should not be married.
• Several heads are shamefully looking at the floor, including @Usher2 @CousinJimmy and @GroomsSister
• Phew, everybody remains silent and the deed is done.
• It’s official. Congratulations to @MrandMrsGoatsbottom
• RT @SlowWorkmate So that’s why we call him Ivor. I always wondered about that
• Time for the final prayer. Top prank by @Bestman as the soles of @grooms shoes reveal the words HELP and ME.
• Prank backfire. It appears the @Bestman does not know his left from right as the shoes read ME HELP.
• In the name of good taste @GroomsFathersNewGirlfriend and @GroomsMothersToyboy have been excluded from official photo line-ups.
• In the name of bad taste @GroomsFathersNewGirlfriend and @GroomsMothersToyboy have sneaked into presbytery for a quick grope.
• Just enough time for all males to check their phones for the footy scores.
• Just enough time for all females to reapply their make up with a trowel.
• Time for the reception and a well earned pint.
• Bucks Fizz, are you having a laugh, when will people learn?
• Tweeting interrupted to help guests find the real bar, hopefully one that has a TV showing Gillette Soccer Saturday
• Time for speeches, these will be abbreviated due to restrictions of 140 characters.
• Wish the real ones had those restrictions.
• From @FatherOfBride Lame joke, childhood mishaps, welcome to family, serious bit, dead grandmother, tears, lame joke, ushered into seat
• From @Groom Drunken sweats, My Wife and I, applause, lame joke, nervous glances to Wife, drops notes, finishes abruptly
• From @Bestman Slurred, dubious content, bad taste joke about sheep, worse taste joke about @Usher2, nervous looks all round, falls over
• Well that’s that then folks, hope you enjoyed the wedding. Don’t forget to log in for the reception (over 18’s only)

3. Using TwitPic (or y.frog if you consider yourself a princess), I will post beautiful pictures of all the momentous moments, as they happen. These will be slightly blurry as I will be using my iPhone, but your friends will just think you have hired a pretentious photographer straight out of art school, so that’s OK.

4. Via Blip.fm I will let your friends listen to all the great tunes your wedding DJ is playing including your first dance. Unless of course your first song is ‘Angel’ by Robbie Twilliams, in this case I will change it to ‘Smack my Bitch up’ by the Prodigy. You will then either look retro cool or just ironic, depending on how many of your S&M loving details you accidentally tweeted about when drunk.

5. Supply a framed A4 wordcloud of the days, and evenings if readable, tweets. All done tastefully in black and white, in the classic Goudy Bookletter 1911 font.

 

I think I’m onto a winner here, I’m even thinking of franchising it out for a small fee of course. Bookings are now being taken and the weekends are being snapped up fast. For all enquires re payment plans or deletion of dubious photos, please contact me at the lifeandtimesofahousehusband@gmail.com or by comment at this blog.

This time next year I’ll be a millionaire, or in prison.