Anyone But Alonso - Valencia

Anyone but Alonso - the slightly warped world of the anti-fan - Valencia GP 2011

I thought I was watching the Spanish Grand Prix today, but apparently it's not, it's the European Grand Prix.  I can understand the reasoning to having a floating European GP but why pick a sunny country to have two?  Especially after having the best, in my humble opinion, GP ever in the very, very wet Canada.  Maybe we should only have GP's in constantly wet countries from now on?  Strangely that would rule out England, as although the practice would have happened in a monsoon, as we talk the air temp in the UK is the same as Valencia at an incredulous 27C.

Anyway, enough of all that, I'm here to report on how our home warrior Teflonso copes with the pressure of racing in his own country, whilst still maintaining his four day facial growth.  Whilst other drivers have a lackey to hold umbrellas over them come rain or come shine, the Teflon Don employs one to run after him with a part-worn straight razor to keep him looking like a gypsy.

From the start of the race, Teflonso gets himself into third place - and all without arranging for a team-mate to crash for him, and he looks happy to play third fiddle to the Red Bulls.  Massa, once again proving he has no ambition to win a race, lets Teflonso easily pass him.  I've always wondered why the so-called GP fans love Ferrari, as they are the only team with one driver allowed to race.  As much as I admire Schuey Senior as a driver, he wouldn't have won the number of championships he did without the angry, but compliant, Barichello.  Maybe since Sennas death, Brazilian drivers just don't want to take the risks anymore, they're just happy to be the 'also starring' driver?

I still laugh when I watch the pitboard man, manually changing the boards then holding them out for their drivers.  These drivers have buttons on their steering wheels that do everything - I've even heard that, from Silverstone, they're introducing a spark plug change button, yet they still have to rely on a fat, grey haired bloke holding a lump of MDF to find out what position they are in the race.

And whilst I'm on the subject of bad decisions, in what way is constantly talking about the 'quick to degrade tyres', good for Pirelli?  In this sponsor led world, what bright spark at Pirelli thought it was a good idea to associate their name with bad tyre wear?  What next, Ocado sponsoring Team Lotus - 'We get there in the end', or the Post Office teaming up with Michael Schumacher - 'Yeah, we're old, but we still have a car'.

Two weeks ago, Jenson changed his tyres five times in two hours.  Can you imagine how long the school run would take if I was stupid enough to put Pirellis on my Ford Fiesta next time I went to Kwik Fits?

The pedestrian Australian Webber lets Teflonso past and the Italian team supporting Spanish crowd do a Mexican wave.  The next thing I hear from the commentary team is "He's hit the cliff".  Unfortunately they were talking about tyre degradation and not the bearded one taking a nose dive into the sea.

Lewis got told by his team that his wheels were hot, his reply was "I can't drive any slower."  Yes you can mate, you can take Massa's seat.  Another Massa pit stop goes in Teflonso favour, this week’s excuse - a stuck left rear.

The race finished with another Vettel win, which only reminded me that my brother-in-law still owes me £20 from our bet on the result on last year’s championship.  He was even too tight to offer me double or nothing on this year’s result, although based on Sebs 77 point advantage, it's a good job for him he didn't.

I was stunned to hear that the race had finished with all the starters.  I had actually thought that Schuey went out at the first lap, so little was mentioned of him.  Then again, after finishing 17th, I bet he wishes he had.

So a second place for Teflonso, with his eyebrows coming a close third and forth.