Saturday, August 13, 2011

Crime and Punishment

So we're half way into the summer hols and all normal punishments for the heinous crimes the monsters I call children commit on a daily basis, have started to lose their effectiveness.
Sending them to a corner has stopped working as they have taken to hiding toys there, safe in the knowledge I'm a crap cleaner, so they will happily sit there for hours playing.
Threatening to turn off the TV doesn't work, as they have realised that I still have to do my usual work-from-home type work and if I want any peace and quiet then the goggle box is my only chance of that.
They're on a sweet embargo anyway, as it took three months to finally finish the Easter egg mountain, so the sweets are on a sabbatical and can’t be used as a threat.
I can't smack them because now that it's summer they're wearing short sleeves and shorts, so the marks will show.  Only kidding - it's because they've leant to duck and weave.
So I'm now in a quandary, either I start to feed us all Vodka and Valium and we spend the rest of the summer in a fog like void, or I start thinking up some new cruel and unusual punishments.
Here are some that have been meted out so far:
Nate (Male, 4) Constantly yelling into the microphone on his battery powered shopping till.
PUNISHMENT: Me accidentally dropping a full suitcase on to the offending toy.  Twice
Kaede (Female, 6) Singing along to a Justin Bieber advert in a non-ironic way.
PUNISHMENT: Spending an afternoon listening to John Coltrane, Ella Fitzgerald, Miles Davies and Sarah Vaughan.  Then discussing the merits of removing the voice box of annoying, pre-pubescent, talentless, crap magnets.
Storm (Female, 17) Leaving her hair straighteners on all day, resulting in a perfect V shape being burnt into her bedroom carpet.
PUNISHMENT: Fuse removed from said straighteners (and hairdryer for good measure.)  Offender not informed about fuse removal, leaving her to replace 'unrepairable' items.
Nate (Male, 4)  Picking a fistful of flowers that I had spent six months growing, then scattering the petals throughout the house like Cleopatra's man servant.
PUNISHMENT: I mowed the lawn without the collection box attached and made him pick up all the grass cuttings.
Kaede (Female, 6) Showing guests at a recent party we threw, the secret room where we had, last minute, hid all our crap.
PUNISHMENT: Have compiled and saved an assortment of truly hideous and embarrassing photos of her on a CD marked 'Kaede's Wedding Day'.
Storm (Female, 17)  Failing to get to a safe place to let me respawn during an online Halo game, resulting in the relentless taunting of me by a 12 year old American gob-shite.
PUNISHMENT: Making her go back to basics with a Space Invader marathon.
Trish (Female, 40) Only bringing home one bottle of wine for Saturday consumption, leaving me with the 'Daytime or Evening?' drinking dilemma.
PUNISHMENT: My accidental dropping of sanitary products into sink, blaming kids and my parting comment of "You may as well pick up another bottle of wine as you're going back to the shops anyway."
There were more I could mention but time, space and the social services have prevented me from listing them.  If anyone else has some bright ideas, then I'm more than happy to hear them

4 comments:

PhotoPuddle said...

Ha ha!! Giggling at Trish's punishment!!

CATE PEARCE said...

I vote Vodka and Valium. Living with alert awareness is overrated.

Russ said...

That's why I've taken to Firefight in Halo, lots of times the punks who might play drop out and it is just me and my friends playing. Much nicer.

As to alternate punishments, I send my kids out to the back yard to play. I know, the indignity of playing outside. So what if it is 95F with 90% humidity. (Love summer in the south!) They can cry, scream, bitch, moan, it doesn't matter. I can't hear them.

goonerjamie said...

Russ - Love firefight. I'm goonerjamie on xbox live, look out for me