The Invention of Sitting

This morning I found myself deep in thought pondering life, the universe and why people leave one sheet of toilet paper on the roll. I was sitting (there may also be a h in that) in my laboratory, or what some people may call the lavatory. It has fast become the place where I do most of my thinking, where the most profound thoughts hit me and where I invent most of my inventions. You may think I’m talking shit (thought I would get that one in before you), but it’s true. This may well be because I do spend an awful amount of time in there, so much time that my Wife has started to insist that I go see the Doctor to get my Irritable Bowel Syndrome looked into. I hope she doesn’t mean literally, what a crappy job that must be.


I can assure you there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just the only quiet place in the house I can hide. Plus it has a lock so that even if I am found I can still keep them all out. I used to hide in the shed but now winter’s approaching it’s getting a bit cold out there. Is it sad, or plain common sense, that I often pretend to be constipated just to avoid my kids for half an hour? It’s not that I hate them or anything, but it’s a guilt free place to grab a break from them. You’re not avoiding them, you’re just combining a toilet break with some much needed peace and quiet.

Whatever the reasons I’m in there, I still maintain it’s the best place to think. Over the past year I have had numerous ideas, all ripe for invention. All I need now is to find someone with bundles of cash and the same warped sense of reasoning as me. In the hope that one of you is such a person, I share these with you now. Beware, my lawyers are watching. I don’t mean they’re watching me on the toilet, I mean, ahh you know what I mean, stop being so pedantic, just don’t nick my ideas or I’ll send my kids round.

Teflon coated toilets – Seriously, it’s a no-brainer. No more scrubbing brushes, no more nasty stains, no more toilets left full of bleach ready to splash up at you and give your nether regions hi-lights when you forget. I’ve never really understood why toilets are white anyway? Whoever made that decision has neither cleaned one, or had kids. Black would have been a far better choice, if not as obvious as brown. Teflon is as cheap as chips nowadays, and who wouldn’t pay an extra £10 not to have to look at, or clean skids again?

Half width toilet roll - This is my solution for saving the rain forests and the planet. Let’s be honest, you really don’t need all that width, you only use the bit in the middle anyway, the rest is wasted. You also have the added bonus that by buying this product you are telling the world that not only do you care about the planet, but you also have a small bum.

Foot Bidet - A slightly smaller version of your traditional bidet that is sunk into the floor at the foot of the toilet. The deluxe version could also fit one of those foot massagers you bought your Wife for Christmas ’06, but has only been ungratefully used once. This way you can wash your feet whilst sitting on the toilet, not only multi-tasking, but ensuring a cheese free odour for the whole house. It’s what most people use bidets for anyway so why not put them in an easier position?

Package literature - I don’t know if you are like me, but I have to be reading something when I’m sitting on the throne. I do tend to keep a book in there to while away the time, but on occasion I find myself with nothing to read but the ingredients of the toothpaste. There is only so many times you can try to remember the spelling of monofluorophosphate, plus there’s nobody else in there to test you, talk about the worst spelling bee ever. So my idea is to put short episodes of a book on the packaging. Episode 1 could be on the toothpaste, episode 2 on the mouthwash and the title on the floss. Think of the brand loyalty it would create. Who cares that the mouthwash makes you smell like a wino if by using it you get to find out who killed whom with what?

I only need one of these ideas to pay off and I can not only justify the last year I have spent on the toilet, but also the flat screen TV I’m thinking of installing in there. That means I will also have to invent a bum cushion for those long films, I mean bouts of Delhi-belly. See I told you I get all my best ideas when I’m in here. Now if you will excuse me, I have to flush.