Anyone but Alonso - Hungary

Anyone but Alonso – the slightly warped world of the anti-fan – Hungary GP 2011

For the first time in God knows when, Massa has out-qualified his ‘team-mate’ Alonso and starts in 4^th spot, one place ahead of the eyebrowed one.  This could mark the resurgence of Massa and the end of team orders at Ferrari.  I’m sorry, I take that back, I know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and will instead bet the house on Massa letting Teflonso past at some point in the first ten laps.

It’s a Bon Jovi start today (Slippery when Wet for all you youngsters) and everybody seems to be starting on the intermediate tyres today.  It’s a terrible start for the Teflon Don as he slips to 6^th, but after a battle with Schuey he retakes 5^th place.  Massa seems like he’s given up already, what a surprise.  Maybe he and Webber can have a ‘battle of the test drivers’ race?

Lap 5 sees Hamilton take Vettel as he loses grip on the turn.  Again Massa blatantly lets Alonso past after Alonso had left the track, again.  Seriously, is there any point to Massa at all?  I guess that’s why we always get a gutless display from him.  I was actually ashamed to be Brazilian watching that display, then I realised that I’m actually English so I stopped worrying about it.  After Hamilton pits, Grandfather Schuey gets to lead a GP for the first time in God also only knows when, but then he pits and everything returns to normal.

At some stage I really should address my feeling on the whole Sky/BBC job-share debacle, but at the moment all I can see is an opportunity to pay half my licence fee if I promise to only use one eye when watching the coverage.

Massa is now stuck behind Schuey and perhaps remembering the team orders from when they were both at Ferrari, respectfully holds position behind him.  The Brazilian is now driving like the part of the body the ladies have a Brazilian.

Lap 25 sees the Lotus of Heidfeld turn into a BBQ and then explode like the sausages I have forgotten about on my own BBQ in the garden.  Heidfeld seems to have escaped unscathed, but I’m sure there will be a heated exchange once he gets back to the team bus.  Schuey retires, but unfortunately, only from the race.

Come Lap 37 Alonso can afford to pit and still come out in front of Massa, such is the patheticness of Massa’s driving.  Vettel then pits and Alonso gains track position from him.  The commentary is full of talk about tyres – primes vs super-softs.  I have to admit that all this tyre talk detracts from the excitement of the race for me and makes me super-soft.  The crying shame is that Hamilton has put the wrong tyres on and will probably lose the race because of it.

As if to prove my point, Hamilton does a doughnut, nearly taking out Di Resta, leaving Button free to move into the lead.  Then with rain starting to fall again, Hamilton starts harassing Button and manages to get his lead back as Button goes wide into the turn.  The lead goes back and forth between them as they show Ferrari how a team should be run.  Team orders – Pah.  We then watch d’Ambrosio try a hand break turn into his pit stop, I’m not sure he saved himself any time though.

Lap 53 sees Hamilton pit and rejoin in third, he is also now under investigation for the earlier spin – and unsurprisingly he gets given a drive through penalty.  Plus he then has to change his tyres again as the rain didn’t hold, so he may as well just give up and go home.  He then rejoins the race behind the two number 2 drivers, Massa and Webber.  Both Webber and Hamilton breeze past the pedestrian Massa, again making we wonder WHAT IS THE POINT OF HIM?  Especially when you see all those in places 7 to 11 fighting for the remaining points behind him.  It’s a disgrace Ferrari operate like this.

Hamilton manages to get past Webber on Lap 64 as they are both making their way through the back markers.  As I watch Webber give up his place, I can’t help but think that it’s no coincidence that if your team treats you as second class driver then you end up driving that way.

This could be McLarens fourth win today, two for each of the drivers.  This shows that the ‘whoever is winning the race gets first choice’ tactic, whilst not working out for Hamilton this time, is a good tactic for the team as a whole.

The race finished then, with a win for Button, followed by Vettel, Alonso, Hamilton, and Webber, with Massa a distant sixth.  The HRT team finishes 22^nd and 23^rd - again proving they’re only good once a month.  We’re treated to a hilarious moment before the podium when Button asks Alonso “What happened to you, you kept going off?”  The speeding Gypsy remained tight lipped, but his immense eyebrows furrowed in protest at the cheek of the question.

So we now head into the enforced four week break.  The teams are not allowed to do anything for two of those weeks, so it will be interesting to see how long Teflonso's eyebrows will be by the time we get back.  Without having the use of the team’s angle grinders to trim them, I’m betting on at least an inch.

On a final note, during the whole of this GP my thoughts seem to have been dominated by Ferrari and Red Bull team orders.  When they see the excitement of the two McLaren drivers racing wheel to wheel against each other, they should hang their heads in shame.  Hopefully next season Sky will get the races where Red Bull and Ferrari cheat a win and the BBC will get the honest races, like the one we had today.

Anyone but Alonso - Germany

Anyone but Alonso – the slightly warped world of the anti-fan – German GP 2011

This week’s action comes from the Nürburgring, a circuit I am very familiar with due to my extensive computer gaming experience.  The circuit is some 500 meters above sea level in the German mountain region, so this should suit our brunette Yeti Alonso.

An excellent start by Lewis as Webber is caught reading the adverts on his overalls, leaving Teflonso and Vettel to duke it out behind them.  For some reason the Teflon Don forgets to turn and Vettel steals back third place.  Can’t help but thinking that maybe Button should change his name to Zipper as we all know zips are faster than buttons, just a thought mate.

Vettel seems to be choking in front of his home fans as he has a pleasant looking spin, or maybe he’s just showboating due to his almost unassailable points lead?  Buemi pushes Heidfeld off the track, further heaping on the pain for the home fans.  The normally happy and comical Germans are starting to look a bit glum and serious.

Webber cheekily passes Lewis whilst Lewis is chatting to his team on the phone, luckily he decides to hang up and he retakes first place.  A whole series of pit stops leaves the un-pitted Massa out front and Ferrari take the opportunity to slow the race down for a bit so we can all look at the lovely sponsorship on the cars.  Massa eventually pits and the triumphant Webber gets to lead his first lap of the year and the Aussie press instantly label him a hero.

It’s a shame to see the BBC have forgotten all of their weather predicting equipment, which results in poor Martin Brundle having to look at a puddle for the whole race just to give us up to date weather conditions.

A brief glimpse of action as the resident octogenarian Michael Schumacher wakes the dozing crowd by doing some doughnuts on lap 24.  After another round of pit stops, Lewis takes first and immediately gives Webber a little kiss to push him off the track as Webber attempts to overtake at turn 2.  Alonso’s pit stop brings him out into first place a lap later but Lewis, always the patient teacher, shows Webber how to properly overtake at turn 2 and whizzes past the pedestrian Teflonso.

A disappointing finish for Button as he retires his car from the race with hydraulic problems, although on the plus side, he can now grab a hot cup of Bovril to chase away the 13C temperature out there.

I feel my eyes getting heavy as we get to the last third of the race and it is starting to look like the race will be decided by the last set of pit stops.  There’s a lot of talk that the teams may leave it until the final lap to put on new tyres, so I take the opportunity to go grab a beer from the fridge.

Lewis takes a gamble and swoops into the pits with eight laps to go, Teflonso waits a lap but not even pedal power could give him the extra time needed to pass Lewis, so he remains in second place.  This now puts Webber in the dark horse position, the only man who can ruin Lewis’s weekend, but knowing his luck, that’s somewhat doubtful.  If Webber didn’t have bad luck he wouldn’t have any luck at all, a statement proved when he re-emerges from his pit stop in third place.

All eyes are now on the battle for fourth place between Massa and Vettel and with two laps to go, and both of them needing to pit; the team tell Vettel to do the opposite of whatever Massa does.  I’m momentarily confused as I thought Vettel had been doing that all season, i.e. winning, but what they actually mean is that if Massa pits then Vettel should stay out and vice versa.  Vettel is obviously as confused as me as he follows Massa into the pits, leaving the speed of the mechanics to decide fourth place.  Now given that Marlboro sponsor Ferrari and Red Bull sponsor - well Red Bull, my money is on the energy drinking crew rather than the chain smoking one.  A hunch that is proved correct as Vettel exits the pits ahead of Massa.

Lewis once again rubs Alonso’s nose in it and takes the chequered flag with a friendly wave.  Alonso’s car then runs out of petrol on the warm-down lap and Webber, clairvoyantly knowing what he’ll be doing next season, acts the taxi driver and picks him up.

Up on the podium Alonso looks like he’s choking on a fur-ball as our National Anthem is played.  He then tries to blind Lewis with his losers champagne spray, but this is thwarted by the wideness of Lewis’s winning smile catching it all.

So on to Hungary for next week’s race, which apparently will suit the Ferraris as they don’t like the cold, poor little luvs.

Anyone but Alonso - Silverstone

Anyone but Alonso – the slightly warped world of the anti-fan – Silverstone GP 2011

The start of British Grand Prix weekend seems to be dominated by all the talk of all the technical changes to the exhaust systems and the like.  My only comment on all this is that it must all surely be Alonso’s fault as he is the only one not moaning about it.  Come to think of it, is it a coincidence that it’s Jean Todt, as head of the FIA, that has made these specific changes that may possibly benefit his old team?  Of course it’s a coincidence, surely?

So race day begins and it’s a race of two halves – half the track dry, half wet.  It’s also a race of two eyebrows as Teflonso settles into third place from the start.  ‘Old Father Time’ Schumacher again forgets that drivers no longer just move out of the way for him and he promptly gives Kobayashi a rather impolite kiss up the butt.  Maybe Schuey should be sponsored by a rhinoplasty surgeon, the amount of new nose cones he’s had this season.

Kobayashi was in the action again a bit later as we see an interesting new pit lane tactic.  He decided to take out Force India’s wheel guns as he drove down the pit lane, a piece of cunning genius that definitely scores a ‘10’ on the Evildeedsometer.

Button mugs off Massa, who’s driving skills seem to deteriorate faster than the ever mentioned Pirelli tyres over the course of a race – then our very own leader of the Brat pack, Hamilton, breezes past Teflonso.  I can only presume he was caught by surprise, presumably because his eyebrows were obscuring his rear view mirrors.

Nigel Mansell in his capacity as Head Steward, proves he’s never one to forgive a slight against the UK and hands Schuey a rather harsh 10 second stop and go penalty.  Too late to give Damon Hill the ’94 championship he deserved, but o how I laughed anyway.  A nice close up of Schuey’s hands as he overtakes Petrov, it actually looks like he’s wearing thick mittens.  Maybe at his age he is starting to feel the cold and his arthritis is playing up?

It looks like Kobayashi didn’t need to nobble the Force India team as they have managed to do that all by themselves – some clown has decided to try to put Sutil’s tyres on Di Resta’s car.  Then, in a Dick Dastardly moment, a Ferrari mechanic manages to disguise himself in Red Bull overalls and manages to sabotage Vettel’s pit stop, thereby giving the master of the fluke unfortunate incident, Teflonso, first place.

Watching on TV it was nice to see the new ‘Cable-Cam’ flying back and forth across the circuit.  Strangely enough, we see more images of the cable cam than from it.  Then again the same can be said of the coverage of Di Resta’s race, as the BBC decides to ignore the latest British hope.  I think his foreign sounding name has fooled the TV director into ignoring any news or action of him.

The chameleon Ferrari mechanic then changes his skin to mimic McLaren overalls and ‘accidentally’ forgets to put a wheel nut on Jenson’s front right (or front left as Jenson thought).  Is it just me that thinks it quite scary watching a driver that doesn’t know his left or right?  Button – one hell of a racing driver, but a really crap mini-cab driver.

The weekend’s misery is compounded by Webber overtaking Hamilton, whose McLaren team had obviously run out of money to put enough petrol in his car.  I’m now gutted I didn’t send them my ‘5p off a litre’ voucher that I got the last time I was in Tesco’s, at least Lewis could have made a fight of it then.  Massa is now threatening to take Lewis’s 4^th spot, but as he’s almost certainly forgotten how to overtake a decent driver, Lewis should be alright.

It was nice to see the Red Bulls scrapping it out on the final lap.  Either Webber has improved his driving or Vettel has improved his acting, as it almost looks like there are no team orders.  We then hear the frantic team messages to Webber ordering him to back off and the confusion is cleared up.

At the final corner Massa proves he can’t even push drivers off the track as well as his team-mate, as he attempts to stitch up Hamilton and fails.

Well, thanks to the chameleon Ferrari mechanic, Teflonso sneaks the win - although I hear there was a Stewards enquiry into the caterpillars sitting high on his face affecting the cars downforce.  I’ve actually come to the conclusion that he is the model for the new ‘Gypsy Thunderbird’ figurine, so he should be looking forward to next seasons Romany GP.

And so on to Germany for the next episode of Some Mechanics Do ‘Ave ‘Em.

Anyone But Alonso - Valencia

Anyone but Alonso - the slightly warped world of the anti-fan - Valencia GP 2011

I thought I was watching the Spanish Grand Prix today, but apparently it's not, it's the European Grand Prix.  I can understand the reasoning to having a floating European GP but why pick a sunny country to have two?  Especially after having the best, in my humble opinion, GP ever in the very, very wet Canada.  Maybe we should only have GP's in constantly wet countries from now on?  Strangely that would rule out England, as although the practice would have happened in a monsoon, as we talk the air temp in the UK is the same as Valencia at an incredulous 27C.

Anyway, enough of all that, I'm here to report on how our home warrior Teflonso copes with the pressure of racing in his own country, whilst still maintaining his four day facial growth.  Whilst other drivers have a lackey to hold umbrellas over them come rain or come shine, the Teflon Don employs one to run after him with a part-worn straight razor to keep him looking like a gypsy.

From the start of the race, Teflonso gets himself into third place - and all without arranging for a team-mate to crash for him, and he looks happy to play third fiddle to the Red Bulls.  Massa, once again proving he has no ambition to win a race, lets Teflonso easily pass him.  I've always wondered why the so-called GP fans love Ferrari, as they are the only team with one driver allowed to race.  As much as I admire Schuey Senior as a driver, he wouldn't have won the number of championships he did without the angry, but compliant, Barichello.  Maybe since Sennas death, Brazilian drivers just don't want to take the risks anymore, they're just happy to be the 'also starring' driver?

I still laugh when I watch the pitboard man, manually changing the boards then holding them out for their drivers.  These drivers have buttons on their steering wheels that do everything - I've even heard that, from Silverstone, they're introducing a spark plug change button, yet they still have to rely on a fat, grey haired bloke holding a lump of MDF to find out what position they are in the race.

And whilst I'm on the subject of bad decisions, in what way is constantly talking about the 'quick to degrade tyres', good for Pirelli?  In this sponsor led world, what bright spark at Pirelli thought it was a good idea to associate their name with bad tyre wear?  What next, Ocado sponsoring Team Lotus - 'We get there in the end', or the Post Office teaming up with Michael Schumacher - 'Yeah, we're old, but we still have a car'.

Two weeks ago, Jenson changed his tyres five times in two hours.  Can you imagine how long the school run would take if I was stupid enough to put Pirellis on my Ford Fiesta next time I went to Kwik Fits?

The pedestrian Australian Webber lets Teflonso past and the Italian team supporting Spanish crowd do a Mexican wave.  The next thing I hear from the commentary team is "He's hit the cliff".  Unfortunately they were talking about tyre degradation and not the bearded one taking a nose dive into the sea.

Lewis got told by his team that his wheels were hot, his reply was "I can't drive any slower."  Yes you can mate, you can take Massa's seat.  Another Massa pit stop goes in Teflonso favour, this week’s excuse - a stuck left rear.

The race finished with another Vettel win, which only reminded me that my brother-in-law still owes me £20 from our bet on the result on last year’s championship.  He was even too tight to offer me double or nothing on this year’s result, although based on Sebs 77 point advantage, it's a good job for him he didn't.

I was stunned to hear that the race had finished with all the starters.  I had actually thought that Schuey went out at the first lap, so little was mentioned of him.  Then again, after finishing 17th, I bet he wishes he had.

So a second place for Teflonso, with his eyebrows coming a close third and forth.