Anyone but Alonso - Silverstone

Anyone but Alonso – the slightly warped world of the anti-fan – Silverstone GP 2011

The start of British Grand Prix weekend seems to be dominated by all the talk of all the technical changes to the exhaust systems and the like.  My only comment on all this is that it must all surely be Alonso’s fault as he is the only one not moaning about it.  Come to think of it, is it a coincidence that it’s Jean Todt, as head of the FIA, that has made these specific changes that may possibly benefit his old team?  Of course it’s a coincidence, surely?

So race day begins and it’s a race of two halves – half the track dry, half wet.  It’s also a race of two eyebrows as Teflonso settles into third place from the start.  ‘Old Father Time’ Schumacher again forgets that drivers no longer just move out of the way for him and he promptly gives Kobayashi a rather impolite kiss up the butt.  Maybe Schuey should be sponsored by a rhinoplasty surgeon, the amount of new nose cones he’s had this season.

Kobayashi was in the action again a bit later as we see an interesting new pit lane tactic.  He decided to take out Force India’s wheel guns as he drove down the pit lane, a piece of cunning genius that definitely scores a ‘10’ on the Evildeedsometer.

Button mugs off Massa, who’s driving skills seem to deteriorate faster than the ever mentioned Pirelli tyres over the course of a race – then our very own leader of the Brat pack, Hamilton, breezes past Teflonso.  I can only presume he was caught by surprise, presumably because his eyebrows were obscuring his rear view mirrors.

Nigel Mansell in his capacity as Head Steward, proves he’s never one to forgive a slight against the UK and hands Schuey a rather harsh 10 second stop and go penalty.  Too late to give Damon Hill the ’94 championship he deserved, but o how I laughed anyway.  A nice close up of Schuey’s hands as he overtakes Petrov, it actually looks like he’s wearing thick mittens.  Maybe at his age he is starting to feel the cold and his arthritis is playing up?

It looks like Kobayashi didn’t need to nobble the Force India team as they have managed to do that all by themselves – some clown has decided to try to put Sutil’s tyres on Di Resta’s car.  Then, in a Dick Dastardly moment, a Ferrari mechanic manages to disguise himself in Red Bull overalls and manages to sabotage Vettel’s pit stop, thereby giving the master of the fluke unfortunate incident, Teflonso, first place.

Watching on TV it was nice to see the new ‘Cable-Cam’ flying back and forth across the circuit.  Strangely enough, we see more images of the cable cam than from it.  Then again the same can be said of the coverage of Di Resta’s race, as the BBC decides to ignore the latest British hope.  I think his foreign sounding name has fooled the TV director into ignoring any news or action of him.

The chameleon Ferrari mechanic then changes his skin to mimic McLaren overalls and ‘accidentally’ forgets to put a wheel nut on Jenson’s front right (or front left as Jenson thought).  Is it just me that thinks it quite scary watching a driver that doesn’t know his left or right?  Button – one hell of a racing driver, but a really crap mini-cab driver.

The weekend’s misery is compounded by Webber overtaking Hamilton, whose McLaren team had obviously run out of money to put enough petrol in his car.  I’m now gutted I didn’t send them my ‘5p off a litre’ voucher that I got the last time I was in Tesco’s, at least Lewis could have made a fight of it then.  Massa is now threatening to take Lewis’s 4^th spot, but as he’s almost certainly forgotten how to overtake a decent driver, Lewis should be alright.

It was nice to see the Red Bulls scrapping it out on the final lap.  Either Webber has improved his driving or Vettel has improved his acting, as it almost looks like there are no team orders.  We then hear the frantic team messages to Webber ordering him to back off and the confusion is cleared up.

At the final corner Massa proves he can’t even push drivers off the track as well as his team-mate, as he attempts to stitch up Hamilton and fails.

Well, thanks to the chameleon Ferrari mechanic, Teflonso sneaks the win - although I hear there was a Stewards enquiry into the caterpillars sitting high on his face affecting the cars downforce.  I’ve actually come to the conclusion that he is the model for the new ‘Gypsy Thunderbird’ figurine, so he should be looking forward to next seasons Romany GP.

And so on to Germany for the next episode of Some Mechanics Do ‘Ave ‘Em.

Anyone But Alonso - Valencia

Anyone but Alonso - the slightly warped world of the anti-fan - Valencia GP 2011

I thought I was watching the Spanish Grand Prix today, but apparently it's not, it's the European Grand Prix.  I can understand the reasoning to having a floating European GP but why pick a sunny country to have two?  Especially after having the best, in my humble opinion, GP ever in the very, very wet Canada.  Maybe we should only have GP's in constantly wet countries from now on?  Strangely that would rule out England, as although the practice would have happened in a monsoon, as we talk the air temp in the UK is the same as Valencia at an incredulous 27C.

Anyway, enough of all that, I'm here to report on how our home warrior Teflonso copes with the pressure of racing in his own country, whilst still maintaining his four day facial growth.  Whilst other drivers have a lackey to hold umbrellas over them come rain or come shine, the Teflon Don employs one to run after him with a part-worn straight razor to keep him looking like a gypsy.

From the start of the race, Teflonso gets himself into third place - and all without arranging for a team-mate to crash for him, and he looks happy to play third fiddle to the Red Bulls.  Massa, once again proving he has no ambition to win a race, lets Teflonso easily pass him.  I've always wondered why the so-called GP fans love Ferrari, as they are the only team with one driver allowed to race.  As much as I admire Schuey Senior as a driver, he wouldn't have won the number of championships he did without the angry, but compliant, Barichello.  Maybe since Sennas death, Brazilian drivers just don't want to take the risks anymore, they're just happy to be the 'also starring' driver?

I still laugh when I watch the pitboard man, manually changing the boards then holding them out for their drivers.  These drivers have buttons on their steering wheels that do everything - I've even heard that, from Silverstone, they're introducing a spark plug change button, yet they still have to rely on a fat, grey haired bloke holding a lump of MDF to find out what position they are in the race.

And whilst I'm on the subject of bad decisions, in what way is constantly talking about the 'quick to degrade tyres', good for Pirelli?  In this sponsor led world, what bright spark at Pirelli thought it was a good idea to associate their name with bad tyre wear?  What next, Ocado sponsoring Team Lotus - 'We get there in the end', or the Post Office teaming up with Michael Schumacher - 'Yeah, we're old, but we still have a car'.

Two weeks ago, Jenson changed his tyres five times in two hours.  Can you imagine how long the school run would take if I was stupid enough to put Pirellis on my Ford Fiesta next time I went to Kwik Fits?

The pedestrian Australian Webber lets Teflonso past and the Italian team supporting Spanish crowd do a Mexican wave.  The next thing I hear from the commentary team is "He's hit the cliff".  Unfortunately they were talking about tyre degradation and not the bearded one taking a nose dive into the sea.

Lewis got told by his team that his wheels were hot, his reply was "I can't drive any slower."  Yes you can mate, you can take Massa's seat.  Another Massa pit stop goes in Teflonso favour, this week’s excuse - a stuck left rear.

The race finished with another Vettel win, which only reminded me that my brother-in-law still owes me £20 from our bet on the result on last year’s championship.  He was even too tight to offer me double or nothing on this year’s result, although based on Sebs 77 point advantage, it's a good job for him he didn't.

I was stunned to hear that the race had finished with all the starters.  I had actually thought that Schuey went out at the first lap, so little was mentioned of him.  Then again, after finishing 17th, I bet he wishes he had.

So a second place for Teflonso, with his eyebrows coming a close third and forth.